
Writing that last post really helped on my path. There really is something about hearing your pain, or whatever it is blocking you at the time… You have to acknowledge it in order to start the healing. Feel it to heal it.
I’ve been healing for a while now. In some aspect, I suppose we all are in that constant flow of healing or overcoming some challenge… my story has been a struggle at times. It gets easier. And I’ve known joy. I knew, as I’ve said now quite a bit - my pain will not be taken in vain.
Meaning treating the pain and lessons and wisdom with proper respect.
There are lessons, really big ones that I’ve learned and experienced that led me to learning how to focus and direct my energy. When I did, I saw massive results and transformation in the life I was living. To wake up happy. To start achieving things I had wanted for a while… to feel like myself in the world, daily. I connected to something deeper in me. I was living from my soul – my Heaven on Earth.
Through all of the pain of the last seven years, dealing closely with addiction and the fallout the family has to go through, life itself, I was able to get to the other side to fully… and slowly I let it slip away.
When that happened… it took a while before I remembered – BE A CONSCIOUS CREATOR.
I let my energy and focus go, reacting to life, feeding into the old mindset and behaviors… and everything I found slipped away. I stopped being as aware of myself and where I was at, and I was disconnected from my most authentic self.
So I remembered – relearned it… but this time, I told myself that I was going to track it, document it, because EVERYONE should be able to feel as amazing… we let life and the challenges take us down, that sometimes rising and evolving become hard… you can get lost in the chaos of it all.
Part of tracking it… is in MY STORY. And that has dealt heavily with addiction in my marriage. Whether it pointed to things I needed to heal or dynamics in relationships, especially with him.
...what you learn and live, the wisdom you gain is how you can help the world.
Hearing the Guidance
As you get in tune with your most authentic self – you are communicating with yourself at a SOUL level. Some might call it your Higher Self. You are aligned with the power that is, the love that the universe is made of. And that YOU is always working to have you live in YOUR joy, happiness, and greatest expression.
In that connection to self, there are subtle ways in which you get guidance and direction in your life… things that align with your desires and dreams. One really big way is when you have a concept, topic, event, word, phrase, anything really shows up in your life constantly. You will constantly get the message / reminder until you start acting on it.
For instance, earlier this summer I had a little nudge from the universe/myself, telling me to slow down. I was busy between kids, work, helping my family, and trying to find time for myself… and then dealing with this whole married to an addict thing… One day I was running between taking care of all of those areas of my life, ready to file for divorce, and that night I twisted my ankle playing volleyball. Funny thing is, in driving between locations I thought it odd how I noticed so many yield signs that day and thought to myself, “Hmm, maybe it’s telling me to slow down a bit” … that night in talking to my mom after twisting my ankle, she said “Maybe the universe is saying slow down” … and then a third, talking to my brother the same message “Maybe the universe is saying slow down.” I got it, so I listened and did… the universe is always communicating, the trick is tuning in to hear it.
Leading up to becoming a transformation coach, I kept getting hit with the nudge, having the intrigue about it, it being all around me, for about a year before I felt, I’m going to learn more. Same with quantum healing…
And the biggest one of all, that got me right here writing these blogs, has been the message of Writing Your Story. This concept in shamanism kept coming to me - on social, signs, messages in my day to day – your story is your medicine. Meaning what you learn and live, the wisdom you gain is how you can help the world. It still keeps hitting me too. Also the fact that we are literally living the story that we have written for ourselves. It is all a creation… you could see life as a painting or drawing even. Each and every piece is drawn from who you are, what your vibe is… it colors the way you see the world.
You could see a sunset and not really care, or it may be the most beautiful set of colors and something just hits you in your soul. Either way, it is what YOU make of it. That is writing your story.
I felt, who am I to say anything about anything… but really who are any of us? We are all just getting by, learning, living…
Use My Story to Guide?
So, here I am… writing my story. And really, it is not like me to be so open. It takes a while to warm up to a person, so imagine the anxiety and then courage it took to be THIS open. I felt, who am I to say anything about anything… but really who are any of us? We are all just getting by, learning, living… so f*ck it, share it.
I would always have the feeling that whatever this story is in my marriage – there is wisdom here. Making it through, it could really be an inspirational story. An inspiration for others that there is a way through the pain, through addiction. Through all struggles and traumas. I’d joke to friends that it would really be a story to share if my husband and I made it through… something they make movies about, haha… I don’t need it to be that, but I just KNOW inside there is something here to help someone else not have to do it alone, and to find an easier way through.
When you get certified for becoming a coach, they don’t tell you that they are teaching you a bunch of the psychology and spiritual concepts, ways to work with clients, tools, skills and tips, but ultimately, you are creating the way in which you do that – your “program”. Everyone has their own way, as they should, each of our voices is essential. The way we say something resonates with some, and the way others say it resonates with others. So find your way…
I’ve been sitting with this for a long time now… mostly because I don’t believe there is a one size fits all framework to guide anyone. You can buy into these expensive coaching programs to learn their method… and I just didn’t want to do that. I want to feel authentic in the work I am doing, not regurgitate what someone else says, but still have some sort of structure to it.
With all of this, I finally got why storytelling has been sitting with me. The guidance. It is through real life examples that people learn best. I can share with you my story and how I found certain things… how I got to that Heaven on Earth feeling/life.
Ultimately, though, we learn best by learning, going through it in our own way.
That is authentic and real. And I feel like in the core of me, doing what I am looking to do – helping serve this greater collective of people, other souls in this world live their best life – I want to be authentic.
How I am learning these things is actually going through it in my life. Healing. Evolving. There is so much power and wisdom in that. It is meant as inspiration to you, and I can share a variety of tools and wisdom that I’ve found, if you’re interested. And, I’m always learning, evolving.
I would never want to be that person. Nor put him or them on blast. But sitting with it longer, I was so tired of being silent.
Writing My Story: Healing Addiction
I was reflecting earlier today, on the previous post. Parts of me were afraid of sharing such intimate details … I would never want to be that person. Nor put him or them on blast. But sitting with it longer, I was so tired of being silent.
Addiction is NOT just for the person going through the addiction. It affects the entire family around the addict. There are things like AA or Al-anon… so much of the messaging (and self-respect) says let’s keep it confidential. And yes, my family went through that in my life. Certain things do deserve the privacy. This one felt like - it’s time to share this side of addiction. Still with self-respect and a level of confidentiality... I am not saying I am healing ALL addiction, but I am here to help light the path a little bit, make it easier.
Part of me feels like we get so consumed with just wanting to help the addict, feeling for them as you see them experience their pain… so people mostly either hide it or we don’t talk about it in an effort to protect the addict. Only behind doors.
I have and do feel for the addict in my life, and I do want the best for him… I have also protected him for a long time while shoving down my pain, my kids pain.
This is where I can be a catalyst for change, by speaking out about it.
As you are going through it, considering you are even dealing with an addict is hard. You don’t see it at first, it takes a lot of painful situations to get to the point of SEEING it. As it is happening, escalating, you try to keep it quiet. Suffering in silence – both sides of it. You don’t want the judgment from friends or family… maybe some of us go to meetings or a therapist. That’s all great. But let’s actually talk about it, for real. Out loud.
Stop letting the addiction rule life.
It hurts! Even when the addict starts to isolate themselves and completely disappear from your life. It hit in my story in this way - with two young children, trying to be a wife/support (healing from my own struggles), managing life… the questions that emerge, the betrayal, feeling not good enough, a whole lot of your reality being manipulated through lies… and you, the observer of the addiction, start to completely feel burned out, not knowing what to do – especially with someone you created a life with.
So keep it quiet, make the best of it… well, I am done “making the best of it” and that is why I acknowledged ALL of the pain, all of the lies.
Things no one talks about. No one wants to, and you’re always supposed to keep it chipper and good vibes…
Most recently, the last straw was him carrying on like nothing had happened… he showed up for our daughter’s birthday, and acted like we weren’t supposed to address the giant pink elephant in the corner of him not being around and being with another woman. To know and witness all of the pain my kids went through, knowing what I went through and just shoved down… This is not the story I want to live.
To me, there needs to be a better way.
The first step is being open about it. Acknowledging that energy of pain, so that it can be released. He won't speak to me about it either, so I have found a different way to heal it. Rise above it. Maybe be an example – raw and real – of healing and transformation.
I did not post any of that looking to seek revenge or cause drama. That would be lowering my vibe and I am (we all are) worth more than that. The intention is shining light on it, to evolve.
Another Piece of My Guidance: Addiction
I’ve felt and known for a few years now, one of my purposes in this life is to heal addiction in my lineage. How I am going to do that, I am not exactly sure… the first step is taking action where you feel drawn. I feel drawn to it this way, in writing, right now. I feel good (and a bit scared, if I’m honest) to even be doing this.
Everything Up Until This Point Has Prepared You for This
I’ve gone through another level of healing as I’ve create The Celestine Path. I have been nervous and afraid to put myself out there. A part of me knew that I would have to be open, real and vulnerable with people in order to help them the best I could.
You get what you give, and this work requires you to get very vulnerable. It is WORTH it though.
I was talking to my brother earlier this summer and he had an epiphany about the life he has been building. He told me, “It’s like everything in my life has prepared me for this,” something I had been hearing in my head with my work as well. I had a client state the same thing to me. And it hit me, yeah, every little piece in life prepares you for the dreams you have. Whether it’s a variety of jobs you have, skills you pick up, hard lessons learned – in it you may not realize it, but each piece eventually clicks together and you have that aha moment where you said “I have been made for this.”
My story has prepared me for this work. This dream of mine.
Therefore, that is the best way I can see to help others – by sharing my story, my medicine for the world. That includes the lessons and the tools I’ve learned in completely TRANSFORMING the story I am living. Maybe it will help inspire and guide you to help write your story the way you want it…
Another Piece of Guidance: Live Journal
[Joseph], who I mentioned in my previous post, and I used to write to each other working through a lot of the things going on in our lives. I would love to think he would accept me sharing this with the world too. In writing each other, it was more like having a journal we were writing in. The catch being, we were writing to another person, so the journal spoke back. We learned and came into some of the greatest wisdom this way.
We have gone our separate ways in life. Maybe we leveled up enough that we communicate “in the ethers” as we’d call it. Because the love is still completely there, and I am happy to know we are both living our best lives… everything that we worked through in that live journal.
I love to synthesize all of these spiritual concepts and how we apply them to REAL LIFE.
To me, I miss writing. In remembering this though, it felt like further guidance in writing the story… all that wisdom I came into with [Joseph], I am sharing with the world in this way. Rather, I am using the tool of live journaling as a means to come into wisdom. I learn best through the experiences in my life, and so much comes from it. I love to synthesize all of these spiritual concepts and how we apply them to REAL LIFE. So now, live journal has evolved… I hope there is something in all of this that helps someone else. Delivering it in my way… this way.
...we can direct that energy to better thoughts, heal the traumas so it clears your vision/perception of the world. Write a new story.
Writing Your Story
Think about it – what you expect to happen, how you feel at any given moment, how you perceive a situation – these things dictate how we feel, think, act in our day to day life. That is a tiny piece of how you are writing your story. Those things are influenced by the traumas you’ve carried, the weight and burden you feel on your shoulders. That’s how we get so brought under by life. Equally though, we can direct that energy to better thoughts, heal the traumas so it clears your vision/perception of the world. Write a new story.
In reflecting earlier today, I laughed at myself a little… the pain, the addiction, the challenges – I must be a pretty fucked up person to have created all of that for myself! Hahaha. That is just my humor.
In reality, we attract certain types of people, situations based on where we are at in our energy, our frequency. I have had a lot of addiction in my lineage, going back generations. There are a lot of energies there to heal, and I am doing it. I am passing on more wisdom and knowledge to my children as well. Tools, understandings, lessons that will hopefully be that change in our lineage.
So now, I am writing a new story, a new chapter.
That is why I say, I didn’t share any of that out of spite or revenge. That is the old way of thinking, and a lower vibration at that. It is time to clear that energy. Addiction sucks. It affects everyone, especially those close to the addict. That’s what that post is about – the other end of the spectrum – those in addiction and those witnessing/bystanders of the addiction.
Use the Mirror Reflection – Transmute
See it through the eyes of duality. There is dark and light. Addiction and sobriety. Each side of the spectrum ALWAYS serves a purpose.
And remember, the world around you is always your mirror – it shows you where you are within yourself. It may reflect back parts of you you may not like, or everything you love. In the times you don't like it, there's some parts that need healing and releasing. Those are the pieces covering up the most authentic you. Use that mirror to see the parts that need to be released.
The first step, is acknowledging it... pain and all.
Many things in my divine mirror have come through this relationship with my husband, addiction. Everywhere I forgot me, stopped loving me, shrunk and felt unworthy. Those things were reflected back to me through his addiction. ...those are the things that I got to the root of to heal. Being in that state of mind is what made it ok to accept the addiction, silencing my voice... so thank you mirror, thank you husband, thank you addiction... you're a stupid bitch sometimes (won't lie), but I love you for everything you taught me.
Change the reflection. Edit or write a whole new story... at any moment, you can change your own life... but it will always start within. Within your state of being, your energy.
As within, so without As above, so below As the universe, so the soul
It is in this energetic alchemy, transmuting dark into light, that I hope to share the path with you. It is merely one way... but I look to share the wisdom and lessons along it.
Hopefully it speaks to someone, and can help you know I see you. You are not alone. I know I'm not the only one... There is a HUGE way through – using the pain, not in vain, but in evolution. To create your own Heaven on Earth.
Comments